my family's in a mess these days and it's no thanks to a motherfucker son of a bitch. I've always told myself to never insult another's parents, but he deserves it. i've never bore such intense hatred for anybody to the point where i would take a knife and stab him to death if not for the fact that i will only ruin my own future. nobody fucking plays with my family, above all my parents, and hurt them this way. and it only makes me bear the same rancour for those who love him.

i come to work these days feeling much more weary than before and it stings me to know that the burden is way heavier on my parents. they are my parents, mine. you have no right to hurt them, bastard, and you have no fucking right to treat them like dirt even if you would allow yourself to be.

and sometimes people wallow in self-pity so much that they delude themselves into thinking that their lives would be better that way but they dont realize that they are bringing ostracization upon themselves. and then they come crying that this estrangement is a result of coerce, which is not, because all along you had a fucking choice.

************************************************************************************
i screwed up my LTA interview big time. i might as well have just donned a clownsuit to the interview. as i left the room i could imagine the three men laughing and and crying "What a bozzo!". The interview went like this:

-steps into the room, seesthe three interviewers seated down, a bit puzzled-

me: "Hiiii good afternooon!! I'm supposed to shake your hands, right?"
men: -laugh and shake my hand-
man 2: "hi good afternoon! so did you have a hard time finding the place?"
me: "oh no..! I have a very good sense of direction!"
men: -silence-
man2: "so, SeeChing.. how much do you know about the LTA?"
me: "oh I know a lot!! I did my research!! --rattles on-
...
man 2: "So what do you think about the ERP?"
me: "oh i know it's a much disliked policy but i think it is essential to avoid congestion on the expressways.....-blah- and anyway, LTA needs a source of revenue also! and it's jus $3--$4 only..."
man2: "ok... -blah- but jus to let you know, the ERP is not a source of revenur for the LTA."
me: "oh ok sorry."
....
me: "Actually I am very interested in bringing LTA's works to the Third World where efficient transport is severely lacking.... -blah-
man1: "well actually we are currenly providing such aid to a couple of Third World countries in this aspect.... but ultimately it depends on whether the government is able to pay..."
me: "oh thats why i'm here!!! I can draw up proposals to the UN on behalf of the LTA....-blah-"

yes i can so forget about being an LTA scholar:/