Wednesday, November 02, 2005
...Recollections...
was looking through my old online diary entries... went back to the days before steven became my bf, when i was still with yunhong.. i'm going through a rough patch with steven, a very rough patch. it's been 2 and a half years, many people go "wow so long!" when you tell them, but what do they know about the things that you've gone through to reach that? sometimes i get so worn down, i keep crying, i ask myself why. but when problems come up... i smile again and feel so blessed.what am i? a 17 year old hoping to stay with her true love... in today's society i guess that's just dumb. everyone has a different perspective of love. is there even true love now? all i want is a guy who is honest and loyal to me... one i will protect and take care of..but i asked for more. yunhong was an honest and loyal guy, but i chose to go with steven. i hurt him a lot when i left him; it's been so long, maybe he has forgotten it and cant even be bothered, but i still feel bad. and sometimes i wonder, will it come back to me? what goes around comes around.i had more. but the sacrifice was more as well. in the past 2 and a half years, i went through a lot and changed... my stand on relationship became firm, i gave up days of flirting, i told myself all i wanna do is to be with the guy i love. lol. 17, and talking about love. heez. now im stumped. am i giving too much to be with the guy i love? but what is love without tolerance and sacrifice? i duno la. my perception of love has become warped in some ways, disillusioned in others. sometimes it's so cool to be in love, everything bad becomes good... sometimes it just hurts you wonder why you're allowing yourself to be hurt. can love ever be achieved without committment?here's some parts of my old diary..(my conversation with yunhong.. the night we went separate ways.)2003-04-11//yh:''hmm u wan to know how i feel? hmm ure the first girl im e most serious eith lor.. ya.. and you asked me where you think we shld go rite. i wan to go forward but its just that how.. how shld i begin with.. i dunno. and at that time also duno wad you tink wad. bleah.. since now i know ur opinion and mine differs.. it's of no use anymore''//yh: Ya i'll regret too. Cos i realli dun think i'll find a better girl den u. im so serious until i told my mum abt it.. ahha. though dun think she understand my hints. ya.. we dun haf fun together cos we dun go out often. but last time even when i went out wif sheena.. i wasnt as happy as going out with her as compared with you.. even jsut walking u home which i rarely do so nowadays.''//yh: i jsut wanted to say those things that i din dare to say in the past wad. i might not have a chance anymore so i rather say it now de. =blah=''after that, i left to develop my rship with steven. sigh yes call me a bitch. are there things i wanna tell steven that i should say before i lose my chance to? does he even love me still... lol. on 2003-04-10 at 5:32 p.m, i asked..."would you rather be with someone who wants you.. or would you rather be with someone who needs you..?" i duno if steven wants or needs me. this is so horrible, i feel so depressed, yup i just wanna cry.. but i cant. everyone's at home, i cant let my parents know things aint going well between me and steven. i feel so weak, i just wish i can disappear from the face of this world. just dissolve into the thin air. i cant leave, cant bring myself to leave. sometimes i know it might be better for us, he knows it too, it's just that at the end of the day we cant bear to. but increasingly, the courage to leave becomes bolder as things just seem to get worse and worse. if i cant disappear, can the whole world disappear so i can be left alone to cry? love, ching
ching gave some lovin' at
10:54 PM;
